Thing-Fish-"Harry-As-A-Boy:" Lyrics

[Rhonda:]

HARRY! HARRY, is that YOU as a BOY?

[Harry:]

Why, it MUST be! He's so charming and sweet and likeable!

[Thing-Fish:]

HARRY-AS-A-BOY, c'mon over 'n say a few words to de nice peoples!

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]

Hi, folks! Nice to be here!

[Thing-Fish:]

I's sure dere be lotsa folks like to know what yo' plans are . . . how y'intend t'be gwine about dis uncredibly serious bidniss o' GROWIN' UP IN ERMERICA!

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]

Well, I plan on making a few mistakes, having my heart broken and so forth, using all kinds of drugs, and turning gay as soon as possible in order to accelerate my rise to the 'top of the heap.'

[Thing-Fish:]

Ahh! Tremenjous, HARRY-AS-A-BOY, simply tre-MENJOUS! You practicin' up fo it wit anybody in po-ticlar now?

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]

I can't afford to study with anyone yet, since the bulk of my allowance goes for glue and Grateful Dead tickets, but soon I hope to be on my knees in a REAL HOMO BATH HOUSE . . . maybe when my folks go on vacation.

[Thing-Fish:]

Ain't you de clever one! Tell us, HARRY-AS-A-BOY, howdja recide upon dis heah life-style bein' DE ONE FO YOU?

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]

It was pretty simple, really. I lost all desire for intercourse with females when they started carrying those briefcases and wearing suits 'n ties.

[Rhonda:]

WHAT?

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]

Let's face it: that would be like fucking a slightly more voluptuous version of somebody's father! 'N I'm far too sensitive for such a traumatic experience!

[Thing-Fish:]

You means DE WOMENS' LIBROMATION MOVENINT done created de uncontrollable urgement to play dingle-dangle-dingle wit de personal requipment of yo own gender?

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]

To a degree . . . I mean . . . look, I'm not stupid! I know it's all a thoroughly workable government-sponsored program to control the Population Explosion, and, just like every other AMERICAN, I'm too concerned with MY OWN personal health and well being to think of devoting any of MY precious time to something as boring as 'REPRODUCTION'!

[Rhonda:]

HARRY, I used to think you were merely an OVER-EDUCATED SHIT-HEAD, but now that I finally have proof, it's going to give me GREAT PLEASURE to refer to you as an OVER-EDUCATED COCKSUCKER!

[Harry:]

Well, to be honest with you, dearest, I sort of . . . gulp, gulp . . .

[Rhonda:]

Where's the fairies on a string, HARRY? Huh? Riddle me this!

[Thing-Fish:]

Easy there, white folks! I told y'all'd be gettin' yo' fairies after while, 'n y'know dat sort o' thing take a little time to woik up to in yo' BROADWAY SITCHYATIUM! MAMMYS step faw'd 'n hep de lil' cocksucker out!